There is no sugarcoating the news of a loved one passing. The overwhelming weight of an uncertain future that you feared has come sooner than expected. You want the world to stop for you, to let you take a breather, to process, and to grieve. Unfortunately, the sun continues to rise and set just as it had before. To illustrate this weight, imagine a dark veil engulfing your heart and mind, with each entering or fleeting thought required to interact and wrestle with the dampness of your loss. Jokes with friends, hugs from loved ones, walks after dinner, colors of the world, all feel like they have been dimmed by an entity larger than yourself. A constant reminder of the reality that your loved one is no longer with you.

The last time I saw my Grandfather was June 23rd. My Grandfather passed away on September 20th. His burial was on October 25th. It is now October 27th as I write this. The last time I saw my Grandfather, we exchanged goodbyes with an understanding that we would once again see each other. That ‘once again’ will not come. I will not have an opportunity to talk with my Grandfather, to shake his hand, or to hug him. I will not have another opportunity to share a drink, talk about the White Sox, or share a dinner. The month in between his passing and his burial had been difficult. An overwhelming sense of dread loomed overhead as my family and I waited to lay him to rest. You try to take your mind off his passing, but no thought or action seems to be greater than the life of a loved one. If you were able to get your mind off things and delay facing the inevitable, it is only so good until the delayed emotions lash out in an unhealthy outlet. You are forced to face the thoughts and difficulties of grief.

Many people boast about not having any regrets in life, but without having regret, you fail to recognize and grow from your past. Through regret, you can identify new values and new lessons. Understanding that Life, once it is lost it is no longer accessible and will not come back. I regret not being there for my Grandfather when he fell ill. I regret not going to Spring Training games with him when he offered. I regret not talking to him on the phone more. I regret not sitting down with him and interviewing him about the life he lived, his fun stories, his heartbreaks, and the lessons he learned. These are all things I set aside for the future, but now I will forever be unable to.

Growing up, I was not super close with my Grandfather’s side of the family. We would see each other a few times a year for Holidays and the occasional birthday, but few opportunities outside of those. Going to the Celebration of Life for my Grandfather introduced me to parts of my family whom I have not met, and if I have, it was when I was a young child. Looking through photos and hearing stories of my Grandfather showed me a different side of him that I have not seen before. The young party-going, community-involved individual that he was. It was a touching tribute to the life he lived. I hope to continue to grow these relationships on this side of my family, even if they are smaller events like going to a school play or football game for my younger cousins.

This loss is the first I have experienced as an adult. The loss of my Lola occurred when I was a young child, when I did not have a full grasp on what it means to lose a loved one. As an adult with a greater grasp of the fleeting nature of life, this one hits exceptionally hard. I do not know how this will continue to impact my life or if I will fully heal. At the Celebration of Life, with all the family members and friends, I still looked for him in the crowd, expecting to see his familiar face. From the single month I have had to reflect between his passing and his celebration of life, it still does not feel real. The world continued to move as I was left with an emptiness inside. You have to show up to work and act like all is normal, have conversations with colleagues about your weekend as if nothing happened. It does not feel real. This pain will persist, and I believe that I will not fully heal, but I will learn how to navigate this loss and a new chapter in life.

To conclude, here is an open letter to my Grandfather.

Hi Grandpa,

I miss and I love you. Who knew the last time that I would see you would be so many months ago? It’s unfair how unpredictable life can be. We had planned to see you to celebrate your 80th birthday party. It is just not the same without you. I was looking forward to going to Spring Training with you and watching the White Sox try to pull things together. I was looking forward to you being there on my wedding day. I know you will not be able to, but I know you will be there in spirit.

Thank you for all that you’ve done for me. Thank you for teaching me all you knew about baseball. Thank you for playing catch with me. Thank you for coming to my games and giving me advice. Thank you for the talks about the White Sox season and how they are consistently disappointing season after season. Thank you for being there in my milestones in life. Thank you for all that you’ve done for me. Thank you for your love.

Love,
Jonah

Song: Who You’d Be Today by Kenny Chesney

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Graduation season…a time of mixed emotions, goodbyes to friends, the closing of doors, and audience members questioning the fleeting nature of time. I often heard phrases in the crowd like: “I can’t believe four years have already passed,” “You’re growing up too fast,” “Where did the time go?”. For graduates, these last few years flew by, filled with memories of meeting each other on the first day, sharing the struggles of class, and finally graduation day. Each student, once united under this academic institution, is now breaking off on their unique pathway. A very uncharted chapter in each student’s life that begins with the unassuming question: “What are your plans after graduation?”

A seemingly simple question that evokes a different response from each graduate. Excitement for the next academic chapter? Curious about moving across the country? Dread of entering the workforce? Or the increasing anxiety about the unknown future ahead? No graduate knows for certain what the future brings, but each still has a hope of a life that they dreamed of as a kid.

Now, having graduated from high school for 6 years and college for 2, I can reflect on life after graduation. Perhaps I can share some wisdom for the new graduates. However, it seems that I’ve taken more out of attending graduations than my ability to dish out groundbreaking ideas to graduates.

Across two months, I’ve attended two graduations: my sister’s university and my brother’s high school. Each is at a different stage of their lives, but both are important to the reflection of my past life. Here is a collection of my thoughts.

May 17th

As I leave my sister's graduation from UIUC, I can’t help but have feelings of saudade for a school and city with which I have no strong connection. I have visited Urbana, Illinois, for weekend trips in the past to visit my dear friend Matthew, but no consistent relationship to the campus or town. I can’t pinpoint if it’s feelings of community and celebration, or nostalgia for a unique time of life that has triggered these melancholic feelings. Seeing families all together, similar to my own, it’s a very joyous time, but somber in that it signifies the end of everyday relationships and friendships as graduates move across the globe. One signifier of this transitional period is my sister's roommate moving out the night before the school-wide commencement. Maybe it’s nostalgia for a place that has always been associated with good times, or maybe it’s my desire to be a part of a widespread community that is typically found in academia. Whatever it may be, I am glad to feel this. Seeing students lounge on the quad and relaxing with friends reminds me of the carefree times I had.

In what feels like an increasingly busy phase of my life, and a job where I bill by the minute, each moment of life feels like it needs to be productive or tracked, or I’m falling behind. Could I tell you what I’m falling behind in? No… I have no idea what I would be trailing, but it feels like something important. In my transition to the adult world, to force a sense of understanding out of nothing, I added structure and rigidity to my days. In this process, I sacrificed parts of myself to have a sense of control. My sister’s graduation, a time of celebration and moving onto the next uncertain chapter, serves as a reminder of my previous mindset on life. A mindset that was not so concerned with making my days as rigid and productive as possible, but a mindset that invited wander and a lust for the present. Many adults, myself included, tend to disregard the opinions of the youth - “Just you wait until you get into the real world.” But there is much to take away as a reminder of how we used to live our days.

June 7th

The return to Rockford, Illinois, is always a fun time when I can see family and friendships that have stood the test of long distance and time. As a city and community, Rockford has had an influential role in the development of my character. To give some context of Rockford for those who are unfamiliar, Rockford sits in the Rust Belt. A once-thriving blue-collar manufacturing town, dealt a devastating blow by the outsourcing and exodus of work. Common characteristics of these cities are declining economies and run-down infrastructure. An all too common trait is the clear separation of socioeconomic status, which was defined by the Rock River that ran north-south through the city. I should note that Rockford is on the “come-up” since I’ve moved away from the city.

The high school that my brother and I attended was on the side of economic decline, the West Side. Our school had lower funding, degrading facilities, and lower-quality materials than our counterparts in the East. This was mirrored in the surrounding neighborhoods where many of the students resided.

My brother’s graduating class, on the surface, appeared very similar to my graduating class, which is comforting in that he had a similar experience to my own. The graduation itself took place at the BMO Center downtown. I can’t accurately characterize the average Rockfordian, but the audience was quintessential Rockford.

If I had to describe the ceremony in one word, I would have to say NOISE. To set the tone, the Senior Class President closed her speech with the phrase “WE IN ITTTT”. Once the procession of graduates started, there was a consistent volume of celebration as each graduate's name was called, their family responded with celebratory affection. If my brother’s class is any similar to my own, many of these students will enter the workforce or follow apprenticeships soon after graduation. For many, this will be the largest graduation ceremony, so many treat this moment with its deserved praise.

It was comforting to be surrounded by this environment, the environment of my youth. I unfortunately have overlooked the people I grew up with and those who helped shape me. My communities in university and here in Los Angeles, more often than not, come from a different socioeconomic background with different values and praises, which can often lead me to take things for granted. Attending my brother’s high school graduation acted as a great reminder of the community I was raised in and the blessings I have received to bring me where I am today. I would not be the individual I am today without Rockford and its people.

Both graduations benefited different aspects of my life, whether it be a reminder of my upbringing or my previous perspectives on life. These were both returns to the present reality during a phase where I am often just getting by. Congratulations to all the graduates this year, and Good Luck with your future endeavors. I am very proud of you, Emi and Lucas. Love you.

Song: Lust for Life by Iggy Pop

If you have not already read the ‘About’ page, allow me to provide context for my goals and motivations for this site, share my background, and explain the source of my voice.

I am a 24-year-old, Wasian-American, young professional in the consulting industry who just started a blog focusing on lifestyle, culture, food & drink, and art. Very original - I know. I’m just like every other young adult trying to share their voice on the internet and gather an audience. Except that’s where I differ. I have no intention of sharing this site nor gathering an audience. I intend to share my lived experiences, struggles, and voice to the void of the internet with the possibility that someone could stumble across this and maybeee learn from the life I’ve lived. And if you’re sitting there thinking to yourself, “What could I possibly learn from a 20-year-old-something that has barely even scratched the surface of life?” You would be right.

I am just beginning to find my voice in life and exploring the various possibilities to express emotions, experiences, and perspectives. This is a continuous process that I aim to share on this platform. And on that note, let’s start with how I’ve become motivated in my life to start a mediocre blog.

To get there, we need to take a look into my upbringing and academic experiences. Like many Asian Americans, I grew up taking the necessary steps to ensure success in school and University, which would hopefully lead to a successful career. For example, going to the dreaded academic After-School programs geared to help in mathematics and reading, for me it was Kumon. Looking back, it was a necessary catalyst in shaping my studies, but at the time it felt like a prison sentence preventing me from my true passions: baseball and reruns of Seinfeld.

I played the trombone for a few years and tried to learn the piano, but that lasted only for a few months. This was the extent of my artistic expression in my youth. Apart from the creative writing courses in school or the one-off sketch class, I took at the local art museum, I never pursued artistic or creative expression. This trend carried into high school with my purposeful avoidance of any art classes and filling up my schedule with any other type of extracurricular. At the time, I felt that creative outlets weakened my academic and professional resume. I took the standard approach of enrolling in the top classes to get into a top school and a stable career. I would not say that I excelled in school growing up but I performed decently for the opportunities that were given to me.

After High School, I attended a Big Ten University where I studied Economics with a Math Emphasis and Data Science. My free time was spent studying, going out with friends, or attending club meetings that I convinced myself that I would like at the beginning of every semester. My weekends and evenings were always full of study or the casual bar crawl to the same five bars. The path I chose was straightforward, lined with classes designed to secure a job that promised a stable, upward trajectory. And that's exactly what unfolded—a predictable, safe route to a high-achieving career and a stable life. Typical.

I am very grateful for the opportunities that I was given from my upbringing and through the connections I’ve made, but as I sit at my desk job I can't help but question if this is all I have left. Surelyyyy there is something else that will fall into my lap and lead me to the promised land. RIGHT?

Unfortunately, it took me an embarrassing amount of time to discover that I can’t just wait to find my passions in life, but I have to actually put effort into trying things in the increasingly scarce free time that I have.

The adult world is not forgiving when it comes to any free time that is available. Responsibilities add up, work is endless, and we only have two days out of the week with somewhat guaranteed freedom. But of course one of those days will be taken to chores or resting from the week’s toll. You could be a ball of energy but good luck, that’ll come bite you in the following week(purely speaking for myself…my body is tired).

Now with this one day of true freedom, I feel like it's only natural to want to try every possible thing that I can get my hands on. Pottery? I’ll get on that wheel. Cooking paella? I’ll surely try. Holding a Falcon? I’ll wear a glove. I want to get a little taste of everything, a dabble one could say. Now I can go on and on about the different activities and experiences I would like to try. But for the sake of my own dwindling attention span, I’ll keep it short.

Artistic expression is something that I would like to truly get dirty and sweaty with. Finding my voice through different mediums, but focused primarily on writing(this substack). The vulnerability that inherently comes with exposing my inner monologue to the world is overwhelming…I think. Through my trials and dabbles of life, I want to share my personal experiences. As we already know, I don't have a great history in the arts, but the idea of exposing myself(my writing) on the internet at this time of my life never felt so right.

To be cliche for a moment, I’d like to share this quote from my favorite rom-com of all time, When Harry Met Sally, to express how excited I am to finally get this blog started: "I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible". The realization to begin this creative endeavor is something I feel can not wait any longer, and in that way, Harry and I are the same.

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